Hidden Thoughts: Jess POV
by I-am-a-slash-addict
Summary: Jess' hidden thoughts on his relationship with Dean. This is the second story in the Hidden Thoughts 'Verse.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Gilmore Girls and I do not make a profit from these writings, this is strictly fangirl-fun people…  
**Rating:** Light R for language and sexual themes.  
**Notes:** This will be AU, no real spoilers. Set after Jess left Stars Hollow. This is the sequel to _**Hidden Thoughts – Dean POV**_ and is the second story in the Hidden Thoughts 'Verse. The third story in this 'verse have been posted as well. The forth and last story is a longer fic that will be coming soon...

Enjoy!

~*~

The first time I saw Dean Forrester all I could do was breathe "Fuck me…" as my body stood up and took notice of him. Of course no one heard, me save for the old biddy that happened to be walking by at the moment, but it wasn't really the type of thing that one needed a response to anyway.

Dean had been tall, broad shouldered and oddly endearing. I had wanted nothing more than to drag him behind Doose's Market and throw Dean to the ground and ride him for all he was worth. Sometimes I wished I had, at least then I would have known what it was like to kiss those lips, feel those strong arms holding me, feel Dean inside of me… but that wasn't the way it had gone.

Not long after that I met Rory and things got a little muddled.

Rory had been beautiful and intelligent, both fragile and strong, sarcastic with a sharp wit… she was perfection encase in a porcelain body and untouchable to someone so broken as myself. I was instantly enthralled by her and everything her pure heart promised. I was lost, a twisted shell of normality with a mother who was just as broken as me and a father… well, he wasn't even in the picture. She embodied everything good and wholesome that I lacked in my messed up little world and for a while I had craved just a sliver of that for myself.

Then of course Dean _**fucking**_ Forrester had turned out to be her boyfriend, like I should have expected anything less than that kick in the short and curlies… My smart mouth had then run away with itself and before long I had found myself in a faceoff with Dean. As expected, things had gone downhill from there until I was in some warped contest against Dean competing for Rory.

Interactions became some laughable Greek Tragedy of epic proportions and I found myself incapable of changing the downward spiral my life had become. Every time I saw him I wanted simply to jump into his arms and beheld by him, to feel what it would be like to be the center of his attention… his world. However, that would never be so I did things provoke a response from Dean. Any form of contact, even being thrown up against a wall and beaten to a bloody pulp was preferable to no contact at all. I loved the flushed look on his skin, the strong tense jaw, the low rumbling growl that made me hard when we fought and Dean's tall imposing body pushed up against mine. A little pain had seemed like a fair trade for a few minutes of heaven…

It was sad really, I had wanted Dean, craved the promise Rory's presence in my life offered and in the end got neither. Oh sure, there had been a few brief moments where Rory was mine, but I had been kidding myself. Rory was wonderful and anyone who even got the chance to make her happy should be so grateful, but she hadn't been what I truly wanted or needed.

I hated what I had done to her, hated the person I became during my time with her… she hadn't deserved what happened and I hated that I had been the cause of it. So I left, took the coward's way out and fled… I had needed to get away from the source of my pain and anger, freeing us all from the endless loop our relationships had become.

I had wanted to see him one last time before I went, just too finally find the balls to actually go for the one thing I really wanted, but I didn't; he would have flushed, his jawed tensed, growled that orgasm inducing growl and punched my lights out. I could expect nothing less… he was my rival after all?


End file.
